But I had hope. I had peace and comfort at the edge of my fingertips, waiting for me to grasp it firmly and hold it close. I had found my way out. Rather, it had been given to me.
Because you see, that phrase is from a scripture that is very close to my heart. It means so much to me. It is found in Doctrine and Covenants 6:36. This is a scripture that was shared with me by one of my old bishops at Church when I was 12 years old, and quoted many times over since. It has always given me comfort. It has always helped me open my eyes a little and see things the way God sees them.
God knew that. So did my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that They heard my prayer. If there was any one way that They could answer me in my time of need in a way that I would not only recognize, but latch onto with all the hope and faith of my entire soul, it was that scripture. I know that God lives. I know He answers our prayers.
But the matter still stood: regardless of any momentary comfort I was able to draw from the dream and that verse, my pain was not going away nor was I getting any better. But like I said, I had hope. And I had been given direction on how to pull myself out of what was happening then... with the Lord's help. I took that revelation of "Look unto Me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" literally. From the time that I awoke from that dream, every single thought was directed towards my Savior. I did one thing and one thing only: I pictured in my head every single image, painting, child's drawing, sketch, picture, rendering, statue, and sculpture of the Christ that I had ever seen in my entire life.
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| Like this one. |
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| And this one. |
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| Yep. |
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| Who could forget this one? |
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| Definitely this one. |
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| This one too |
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| I thought of this one the most. |
I ran through these things and more, over and over again, as many as I could think of. It was like a giant PowerPoint slideshow in my head. I was thinking of anything that would turn my thoughts to the Savior. I had this insane desire to hold on to those images and turn my thoughts to Christ; it was like I believed there was some special power in literally fulfilling the command to "look unto" Him. I had no other purpose or desire or want but to do so. And you know what? My heart changed. My heart softened. I was no longer scared, angry, bitter, or desperate. I didn't want to die anymore so as to wipe away the pain and suffering and anguish that I felt. There was hope and faith. Devotion and love for Christ. My heart was filled with longing to have Him there with me, in person, to hold me close and wipe away my tears and whisper in my ear that everything was going to be okay. And looking back, I know He was.
I will say this, to make sure you understand: My pain did not go away. I was still in plenty of anguish. My chest still felt like it had a hot knife in it. I was definitely still sick. But I didn't have to go through it alone anymore. And I knew it. There was no doubt. My fear and doubt had been replaced with hope and faith and love. My pain was not taken away by any means, but that's fine with me. What was more important to me was that I receive comfort and strength to make it. That's all I wanted really, in the end. That's all I needed. And I got it. It came from my Savior Jesus Christ and His Atonement and my Heavenly Father. They increased my capacity to fight the pain and keep living, and They made sure that I knew that they were there for me. I don't believe that I would have lived had I not had that small taste of what the Atonement does for me when I did. I would not be here today if God didn't answer my prayers then and in the days that followed. I know this to be true. There is no doubt even to this day, no matter how many times people on the street have told me I'm crazy or wrong for believing what I believe. NO ONE can convince me that God isn't real or that He isn't my Father and loves me, or that Jesus is not the Christ. NO ONE can tell me that Christ didn't suffer for not only my sins, but my pains and afflictions as well so that I would have someone to comfort me in moments like this. You can't do it. It's impossible now. I have been given a personal witness of such truths by God Himself.
And the story doesn't end here. You have no idea what's coming next. There are more miracles to come. But for now, think on the things that I have shared. Ponder the truths that I have declared and meditate on how they might apply to your own life and your own experiences. You may have had moments like this before in your own life; you may even be going through such moments right now, today. Think about that. Pray about it.
As for the rest of the story... keep reading as I keep writing.
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